Together in Worship

This blog is part of a series, "The Top Ten Questions People Ask Pastors." These may not be the top ten all time questions, but they are the ones I've fielded most commonly over the last year.

The sixth most common question for pastors is this: "How can I persuade my spouse to attend church with me?" This is a particularly thorny question because people tend to make marriage decisions when they're young and fairly immature. When you're single and twenty-something, the features you might find most appealing in a prospective date would probably be good looks, a sense of humor, good taste in clothes, and a bubbly personality. Only ten years later and thinking about children, the qualities that matter most in a relationship will likely shift all the way across the spectrum to stability, willingness to work, a mature worldview, and- yes! -a faith similar to yours.

And herein lies the problem! You wake up one day and you're a thirty year old parent of two children. You want to give your kids every possible benefit to grow up healthy, follow Jesus Christ, and become a healthy disciple. But that person who used to be so fun at movies and football games has no interest in Jesus Christ or putting the kids first. Now what? Now you have a spouse who doesn't share your faith.

That's why churches, spiritual leaders and parents should be so consistent in what they teach kids about dating. Bottom line: don't date people who aren't believers. Don't be unequally yoked, as Paul wrote the Corinthians. Don't attempt missionary dating. You may not convert that cute boy or girl who has such a winning personality, but you may fall in love anyway.

But let's get back to the original question. You're married and your husband or wife has no interest in church or worship or fellowship. Is there anything you can do to motivate your spouse to show up at church at your side? No doubt, this is a tough assignment. But now that we agree it's difficult, allow me to offer some basic suggestions.

1. Make worship and Bible Study one of your highest priorities. Don't act self-righteous. Don't be critical or walk out in a huff. Don't start arguments and walk out with your Bible, slamming the door behind you. But lovingly, consistently, eagerly get dressed and participate in worship and Bible Study. If you have children, get them up and dressed without complaining and teach them the value of time with God.

I've known many church members who decided to stay home and wait until a husband or wife is finally willing to make it a family experience. Almost 100% of the time, the unbelieving spouse drags the religious spouse down. You rarely if ever see those families again. Waiting for your unbelieving spouse to cultivate an appetite for worship may take longer than you think- like eternity!

2. Live like your husband's life (or your wife's) depends on your faith. Don't let down your guard at home. Don't complain and gossip about other people at church. Don't let other religious people come to your home and behave that way around your spouse. Don't fly off the handle and curse when things go wrong. Don't criticize your spouse- and especially don't criticize his or her lack of faith. Apologize when your use poor judgment or say harsh things. Include your husband or wife in your disciplines at home; pray for your spouse or, if possible, with your spouse. Invite your loved one to sit with you when you're reading your Bible. Read it aloud some time.

3. Let your spouse see the real benefits of your faith. If you're a man, let your wife see that your are determined to love her like Christ loved the church because that's how Jesus tells you to love her. If you're a woman, be sure your husband knows that one reason you respect him so much is because Christ commands you to submit to your husband. Be generous with your spouse. Be patient. Love unconditionally because that's how followers of Jesus Christ love others.

4. Ask some of your closest Christian friends to pray regularly for your spouse's salvation. Don't talk about it publicly. Ask them not to mention it publicly. But assemble a network of loving, godly people who are praying for your spouse's salvation and looking for opportunities to plant seeds of faith.

5. Don't ever give up. Years ago I came across a riveting remark by an atheist. He argued that he didn't believe in Chritianity and he didn't believe in Hell. But then he added that if he really were a Christian and really did believe in Hell, he would crawl across England on broken glass if he could keep one person from going to a place so dreadful! If you really are a Christian and you really do believe in Hell, don't you think there's a price you should be willing to pay if you could just get your spouse in the gates as well? So you have to endure some inconvenience and live a rigorous, disciplined life at home. So you have to put up with some second guessing. If you have pledged your life and your love to this person of the opposite sex and have perhaps even had a child or two with this person, isn't this person's salvation worth some sacrifice?

Stay the course and live for Christ in season and out. I can't promise you that your spouse will ever wake up and get saved. But someday you'll stand before God and you'll be aware of every occasion in your life when you failed to realize your spiritual potential. Be sure that when you one day enter eternity, you depart having made your witness to your spouse one of your highest priorities.

Selah.