I Can't Believe You Said That!

It was tough getting out of bed this morning. I knew I could expect the usual challenges: jammed highways where cars never move, rush hour road repair crews, pollen at the levels of a ticker tape parade, breaking bad news on the radio. But thanks to the Wall Street Journal, I realized I would face a new challenge at the office: Oversharing! I can't take another workplace crisis!

"Oversharing?" you ask. Yes, according to columnist Elizabeth Bernstein (04-06-10), the most recent health hazard in the US workplace is indiscreet co-workers. You could call it the TMI Syndrome, for "too much information!" Symptoms include red faces, raised eyebrows and gasps of "I can't believe you said that!" The columnist included a litany of complaints from personnel who don't want to get personal:

• One employee confided to a work acquaintance that he keeps a tambourine in his bed side drawer for "special performances."
• A doctor was embarrassed when a nurse casually injected that she uses sex as a bribe to get her husband to accompany her to church.
• A working woman was left with haunting images in her mind after a co-worker confided to a dozen fellow staffers that whenever he enters cycling competitions, he shaves his entire body to reduce aerodynamic drag. The details were unforgettable.

Some would suggest this is just more evidence that our culture is loathsome and that most people are uncivilized. Maybe. But I have a hunch this just indicates how isolated and lonely many ordinary Americans feel. We sense that we need to be more personal in order to establish rapport and develop friendships. We have more opportunities at work than when we're alone at home watching "The Office." And we confuse "private" with "personal."

• Private includes details like how much of my body I shave, where my children were conceived, and what happens in my bedroom when the lights are off. When something is private, that means we don't go there in public.
  
• Personal denotes my hopes for the future, experiences in life which have been instructive, my opinions about a range of issues, what I did for recreation last week. Personal details are for people whom I trust, with whom I already have rapport.

On popular reality TV shows, the people who get ahead are often the ones who take the bait to bare their souls for the amusement of strangers. In that unique arena, it's essential that contestants must be entertaining. But outside the studios of NYC and the glamorized set for "The Apprentice," human beings should not feel obligated to be entertaining.

The starting point for office relationships should probably be "courteous" and "professional." And when I finally begin to connect with a few people scattered among the cubicles, I can experiment with "personal." But the best way to accomplish "personal," is to ask polite questions and then listen as other people answer. On the one hand, that will offer clues about how personal other people want to be. And on the other hand, it gives me valuable experience in respecting other people and allowing them to feel valued and appreciated. We'd all agree that the best conversationalists just happen to be those people who listen to us with apparent interest.

And finally, no healthy office is complete without an extra serving of "grace." The best way to train people in courteous, respectful behavior is to tolerate them when they fail, and continue to role model "acceptance."